Spider Glue

Is the past gone? Duh, yes. But does it control you? My honest answer, much more than I’d like. As a memoirist this is both a blessing and a curse. I can remember events as if they happened yesterday. The sensory details still intact. The faces, the personalities, the events and their emotional impact still potent. I want to move on. I know better than to let my mistakes define me. But the past is like spider glue, much stronger than it looks.

You who read my blog regularly know that last Saturday, with some reluctance, I went to my 50^th high school reunion on Zoom. I’m here to report that it was actually a treat to see the faces of kids who were in my gym class, who sat next to me in science lab, who went to Methodist youth group with me. It was interesting to hear happy endings for kids who appeared headed for disaster at seventeen. And it was sad to see the photographs of those who’ve already left this earth, among them the first boy who wrote me a love note, my best girlfriend from fourth grade, a boy I’d always thought was cute from afar. All those remaining had aged and matured, just as I have, wrinkles and wisdom a universal duo. Apparently, the high school itself has grown and reconfigured, so my high school past is physically gone in every way. At the end of the Zoom, it was announced that our 50^th live reunion, postponed until next fall, will be the ultimate reunion, this group united by age and education never to be convened again.

The following week, a family member went to the hospital with complications from newly diagnosed cancer. The prognosis lethal. Age and death another inseparable duo that hit me square in the face.

It’s time, far past time, for me to release a past that exists only in my mind.

Peter describes the devil as a roaring lion prowling around for someone to devour and urges us to stay alert to his schemes.

In this instance I think of the enemy of our souls as more like a spider trying to wrap and trap me in the web of who I was at my worst, in order to eat me one shameful bite at a time.

Therefore, whenever a trigger reminds and rewinds a mental video I regret, from high school or beyond, I need to remember what else Peter said,

“To humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” 1Peter 5:6-7 NLT

And the freedom and joy I felt at my reunion is the proof.

 What has trapped you in spider glue?

Cover photo by Olha Sumnikova on Unsplash