I haven’t written here in a while. I could say it was because I broke my wrist and my family has had everything this winter from norovirus to pneumonia, but the real reason is because I was struggling to finish the memoir I’ve been working on for a decade. Yes, fellow writers for a decade. I don’t know if that is encouraging or discouraging.
I used to think I was taking so long because I was writing about experiences that took a long time to live out and figure out, but clearly there was something else at work, so in the midst of writing this blog I took a break and asked the Lord for clarity and encouragement.
That evening I watched a movie on Netflix entitled Harriet, a bio pic about the famous conductor on the Underground Railroad, Harriet Tubman. When Harriet determined to run away from her enslavers, her father sent her to her pastor who said,
“Remember fear is your enemy. Trust in the Lord!”
That was the phrase that resonated because I knew in an instant it was fear that was keeping me from putting my book into the public eye. But fear of what exactly? Wasn’t my memoir about overcoming my fear of rejection and ridicule. Fear of being singled out and left alone. All of which had led me into temptations and compromise I was ashamed of. Perhaps not unfounded fears for someone who was adopted even into a gracious loving family.
Photo by Kirt Morris on Unsplash
Harriet Tubman lived by trusting the Lord who literally led her to freedom. But then the Lord led her back into the land of slavery to rescue her brothers and sisters as well. I don’t pretend to have the audacious trust manifest by Harriet, but in my own small way this is the same mission the Lord has laid out for me, to lead others to the freedom I’ve found in my identity in Christ: freedom from being named by shame, and living in the unshakeable self-worth I’ve found in being adopted as a child of God.
Yet, how dare I publish a book about overcoming something I obviously still struggle with. What was going on?
The next morning as I was working on this blog, I heard my phone ping. It was a new blog post from Pamela Fernuik. https://www.ipaintiwrite.com/2024/03/25/you-dont-need-permission-to-create/
Asking someone for permission gives them the power to decide if what you want to do will be allowed or permitted. Say yes to yourself.”
Pamela Fernuik
So why couldn’t I give myself permission to publish my memoir?
If my book was tangled up with my identity, then if my book was not good enough neither was I. By putting my book into the public eye, I risked my old enemy fear screaming, see I told you you were worthless, worth less!
Few of us have the bravery of Harriet Tubman, but if my courage comes from my confidence in the Lord, who declares me his adopted daughter, holy, chosen, and beloved (Col. 12:3), regardless of my origins, failures, or accomplishments, then this is how I defeat my fears.
“Trust in the Lord.”
And give myself permission to continue the race God marked out for me.
Thanks to Harriet Tubman and Pamela Fernuik, I finished this blog and am beginning to format my manuscript, prepare a cover, and create a launch team for my memoir, Unmoored, How an Adoptee Lost and Found her Deepest Identity in Jesus.
If you’d like to cheer me on, I invite you to subscribe. If you’d consider being part of my book launch team in the near future, let me know in the comments. If you’re fighting your own fears, let me know, and I’ll pray for you. Let’s cheer each other on!
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,
Hebrews 12:1 (NIV)
Cover photo by Etienne Girardet on Unsplash
Copyright 2024 Ann C. Averill
